The wish is the father of the deed

I've talked before about the controversial Swiss statement. I've also commented results of the mathematical model study, that showed that if an HIV-positive partner with undetectible viral load, etc. discarded his condom during sex with his negative female partner, an additional 425 women out of every 10,000 such partners would become infected over ten years.

Relevant or not? I have met with quite a few of such women. It is not unusual for them to admit that it is they who encourage their partners not to bother with condoms. Why? Because HIV builds a wall between them.

Any marriage or partnership is to a greater or lesser extent fragile. Many factors affect its long term success. But there is no doubt that, while there are indeed a number of durable discordant relationships, this barrier can be a major challenge. Since it is unlikely that the positive partner will become negative, the feeling that 'everything would be simpler if we were both positive' often arises, particularly in the negative partner. And the wish indeed becomes father to the deed.

In different circumstances, this used to be called 'bug-chasing'. I think this term was originally coined among gays in the US, where the majority of the community was HIV-positive, and those who were not infected felt like outsiders. There's perhaps also an element of guilt: why him, not me? In addition, in close relationships, there may be a feeling that 'Better death than life without him.'

Whatever the reasons, it's surely happening. Perhaps the Swiss statement will provide additional encouragement, even though the logic will be a bit convoluted: "Unconsciously I want him to infect me, so I'll tell him to forget the condom, because now the risk is less."

But then, people often don't think logically, particularly about sex.

Babé